A FLY ON THE WALL

Ever wished you could be a fly on the wall, so that you could keep watch over your teens’ safety, without intruding into their space or being accused of “stalking” or “cramping their style”?

Although, I would admit to have given my own parents a hard time while growing up in the 80’s – I think parents today are up against a lot more with caring for their children. Aside from the usual hormonal changes contributing to teenage angst and moods, these days we compete against a whole array of social media and the very accessible mobile devices that are seemingly glued to our children’s palms nearly all day and night!

Yes, parents hope to provide the best advice to guide and equip children to cope on their own when they are in the real world. Many a times, children (and adults alike) reveal and express way too much of themselves on social networking, for their own good – becoming vulnerable and falling “prey” to dangers around them. This is a very real concern for parents, especially when such information can get out there just within seconds after “posting” it and for some parents who are sometimes “blocked” from their children’s social network, will then be oblivious to what is being posted or messaged to all their “virtual” friends and strangers alike.

In my youth I frequently found myself telling my mother to be assured that I knew how to stay safe and would remember all that she had taught me. At times, when peeved over her parenting, would ask, “Have more faith in yourself that you’ve taught me well. Don’t you trust your own upbringing of your children?”

But having said that, I recall an incident in the 80’s that could have gone seriously wrong if not for the grace and protection from God. I was on a back-packers holiday to India / Kathmandu with my then spouse-to-be. We needed to change more local currency and asked the nice tuk-tuk driver to help arrange that. He then drove us to a busy marketplace and the two guys shot-off on foot, leaving me alone in the open vehicle in the middle of a dense market crowd. When I had lost sight of them, I began to realise that it was very risky and naive to have done that. Having no means of communication, no mobile phones, not knowing where I was, the worst thoughts crept into my mind. But alas, I was relieved when they both reappeared after about fifteen minutes later.

As parents, we can’t help wanting to protect our children and keeping them always in our sight, but naturally teens will want to start spreading their wings and make it on their own. So perhaps sharing our own “risky” experiences with our children will help them relate better and not seem like we were poking into their affairs. It does also make it more meaningful when we help interpret the realities of dangers to our children and not just dishing out the monotonous TO-DO or NOT-DO List.

Then what is left for us after, is to be diligently praying parents and call upon our God to be that “fly on the wall” watching over our children?

DON'T KEEP MUM ABOUT DAD

Fathers have been putting in the extra hours and effort. The time has come, for the men in our lives and in our children’s lives to step out of the shadows.

Spotting a father in a shopping mall with baby in a carrier, slung over his shoulders or yet another at the wet market picking out fish or meats is becoming somewhat a regular sight here in Singapore. In fact, at pot-luck dinners, it is not surprising to hear husbands sharing recipes and cooking techniques with one another.

Whether by chance, for the fact that more wives are out there in the workforce, or with deliberation it does seem that more dads are getting involved in the family in more ways than one. Perhaps dads are now paying attention to the ever-increasing number of researches that speak of how fathers have a positive influence on the outcomes of their sons and daughters? Researches inform that children learn better, aspire to achieve more, are less likely to pick up adverse behaviour and be more emotionally stable if they have positive experiences of involved dads.

It does seem that the fathers in our children’s lives are listening and have taken a more pro-active role of their fatherhood. These days, children approach both dad and mum for advice on various subjects depending on which parent seemed more specifically informed or more physically involved through the eyes of their children.

Perhaps for fathers, after the heart of God, they do realise the incredible privilege given to them by God, of imitating Him as Father, therefore, willingly accept upon their shoulders to care for their family. In our home, my daughter and I would often quote scripture on her “dada” when he teases her to wits end using the verse written by the apostle Paul to the Ephesians, “And fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph. 6:4). But jokes aside, it does seem like quite a tough call to discipline and set boundaries yet at the same time to avoid angering or provoking our children! However, in keeping consistently responsible and accountable for their actions, being firm on other matters with the occasional involvement to create that special bond between father and children, it is possible to succeed and at the same time, enjoy Fatherhood, even if it meant a lot more effort.

Still, even with all these changes, the age-old inaccurate stereotyped view of fathers, though highly incorrect these days, still exists – that of a breadwinner and that children still go to mum, not dad, for everything else that they need. Admittedly, this impasse is only just beginning to see a break-through as we create more awareness to realise that “to father” also includes some values that comes with “to mother”.  

So to all dads out there, who do both fathering and mothering of your children, take heart, we are not keeping mum about you. Take a bow as we applaud you for your good work - Happy Fathers’ Day!

EASTER HOPE

            

           Each year we start out Lent with the best of intentions and with much enthusiasm to accomplish a list of things to do or not do, building up to a great Easter celebration. In reality, not everything we plan to do actually gets done or survives the six weeks of Lent. Some things take a few years of false starts before gaining the momentum to last the whole six weeks.

         Well, don’t fret too much over it, because the good thing about Lent is that you get a chance to try it all over again every year. And the key is to keep trying Lent after Lent, until you find what is realistic and works well with you and your family or each member of the family. Even Peter, Jesus’ most devoted disciple got it wrong, when he denied Jesus three times but yet after his repentance, went on to fulfill Jesus’ promise to the people and to build-up His church. That is the beauty of the love and grace of our God, he is ever-forgiving and accepts us coming back to do it better, even if it is, a little at a time.

              When your teen comes to you and tells you with a sense of regret for not doing quite enough for Lent, it is a response moving in the right direction and that next Lent there will be an inner self-desire to do better. It is a little tricky working around the schedules of each person in the family, to find a good time when everyone is available in mind and spirit to gather for nightly prayers and reflections. What matters most is that we have processed the reasons for doing what we want to do at Lent and with visible reminders at home, the family can appreciate that we have been given this “gift” of time at Lent, for us to take stock and do better. If we view Lent as a time of suffering or a time that we grudgingly do our penance and prayer, then when Easter comes around, we will go right back to our old ways without realizing why we made a Lenten journey in the first place.

            But let’s not stop at Lent, even if we did not quite succeed in doing everything we planned, some things or habits which we have developed during Lent, like attending daily Mass, praying the Rosary, and doing away with snacking between meals, could be something we would want to keep through the rest of the year.

            So, with whatever was done or not done at Lent, don’t be disheartened from celebrating the whole reason for Easter – Jesus who died for our sins resurrected from the dead so that we too may have Eternal Life in him - Jesus’ Resurrection is Good News and we become people of great hope. A people gifted with Easter Hope that things can only get better! Alleluia!

THE LAMB IN ME

            During the season of Lent, one word that we never hear enough of or are constantly reminded of is, “Sacrifice” – to give-up, to forgo, to abstain or to do for others and so forth. And with that, the image of a lamb comes quickly to mind - more specifically a lamb being prepared for slaughter – the lamb being a symbol or image closely associated with sacrifice.

            In scripture, the title ‘Lamb of God’ appears in the Gospel of John, with the proclamation by John the Baptist saying, "Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world" (John 1:29) when he sees Jesus approaching him, a day after he had baptized Jesus.

            Although ‘Lamb of God’ refers to Jesus in his role of the perfect sacrificial offering and who died for the sins of others, yet, Jesus is our shepherd too: “I am the good shepherd; I know my own and my own knows me” (John 10:14)

            If you think about it, as parents, we are often required to be both shepherd and lamb to our children. Indeed, because we love our children, we are responsible for guiding, caring and protecting them as shepherds. Yet, more than readily we also become lambs, making many sacrifices for them, mainly with our time and money, and at times, guilty of even becoming over-indulgent. But the truth remains that because we love our children, parenting becomes self-giving, sacrificing of self for our children.

            On the flipside, as adults, we might look at how we should also become both shepherd and lamb to our elderly parents. In this fast-paced world, have we been much support and help to ease them into the age of technology found in the day to day? Have we demonstrated patience with them? Are we honestly approaching them with the same self-giving attitude and sacrifice as we do for our children? Or have we been less patient and less forgiving with them than we have been with our own children?

            Just as God, our Father loves us and because of his great love for us, sacrificed his only son for us – this is indeed the greatest of all love, because true love requires sacrifice.  

            Perhaps reflecting that as Jesus, was given up, sacrificed, for us in the Eucharist, may we partake of this Lamb of God and learn to be more giving, more ‘Lamb’ than ‘Lion’ to our elders this Lent. 

BURNT BISCUITS

So we are already well into the New Year and somehow lately it feels like the new years just come at us at full speed - each year at a quicker pace than the one before.

We know there’s no stopping time as it ticks along at its own pace, regardless. We should not sit and wait for perfection but instead embrace all that comes in time, with life. Most especially, as we know marriages are not made in heaven but on earth, yet there can be a fairy tale “happily ever after” ending but it takes two to work at it. At times, compromising and humbling ourselves to tap on the strengths of our spouses, at other times, accepting the imperfections and differences between spouses - less we lose everything in time.

Perhaps, this would be a good time to share a story that was forwarded to me. I can't trace the original author but it is worth sharing as new challenges meet us in this New Year. Let us embrace each other, our spouses for all that they are. After all, God puts the best teams together to make the best of time here on earth.

‘Life has an expiry date... "When I was a kid, my Mum liked to make food for dinner every now and then and I remember one night in particular when she had made dinner after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my Mum placed a plate of bread jam and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my Mum and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember hearing my Mum apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burnt biscuits." Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your mum put in a long hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides, a burnt biscuit never hurt anyone but harsh words do!"

You know, life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults and choosing to celebrate each other's differences, is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.’

So...please pass me a biscuit. And yes, the burnt one will do just fine!