BURNT BISCUITS

So we are already well into the New Year and somehow lately it feels like the new years just come at us at full speed - each year at a quicker pace than the one before.

We know there’s no stopping time as it ticks along at its own pace, regardless. We should not sit and wait for perfection but instead embrace all that comes in time, with life. Most especially, as we know marriages are not made in heaven but on earth, yet there can be a fairy tale “happily ever after” ending but it takes two to work at it. At times, compromising and humbling ourselves to tap on the strengths of our spouses, at other times, accepting the imperfections and differences between spouses - less we lose everything in time.

Perhaps, this would be a good time to share a story that was forwarded to me. I can't trace the original author but it is worth sharing as new challenges meet us in this New Year. Let us embrace each other, our spouses for all that they are. After all, God puts the best teams together to make the best of time here on earth.

‘Life has an expiry date... "When I was a kid, my Mum liked to make food for dinner every now and then and I remember one night in particular when she had made dinner after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my Mum placed a plate of bread jam and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my Mum and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember hearing my Mum apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burnt biscuits." Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your mum put in a long hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides, a burnt biscuit never hurt anyone but harsh words do!"

You know, life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults and choosing to celebrate each other's differences, is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.’

So...please pass me a biscuit. And yes, the burnt one will do just fine! 

WHY ARE WE CATHOLIC?

So here’s the scene, nearly ten years ago - my five year-old child poses a question to me, asking, “Mommy, why are we Catholic? Why can’t we be Christian and go to Ji-E’s (2^nd Aunt) Church?”

Perhaps some of you have had a similar experience? How did you address your child? Did you dodge the question with your tried and tested response of “Mommy’s busy, go ask your Daddy?”

Neither was this appropriate, to buy more time, and bank on using those three magic words, “I don’t know”.

And so, stumped with that very pure and honest question, I searched in all of the three seconds I had, to reach out to the Holy Spirit for something to say. I wanted to adopt an open approach to my child’s spirituality and did not want to destroy her innocence and her natural curiosity of knowing God. Above all, I did not want to form strong opinions against others’ worship prematurely for a young child – after all, God is God, wherever He may be and God is Love.

To my relief, what came out was most definitely not of my own wisdom. Whatever the Holy Spirit provided me that very instant, in response to that tiny frame of a darling five year-old then, it seemed to have completely satisfied her searching heart. I expressed that together with her daddy, on our wedding day, we made a promise to God that we will bring up our children in the Catholic Church. And so I asked her if she would agree to allow us to, at least, fulfill our promise and then when she was all grown up and she still wanted to go to Ji-E’s church, we would be open to that - She agreed.

Now that did not mean that I had managed to push off the issue and neither did it mean that if I prayed hard enough, perhaps I would not need to revisit this till her teens or later, or better yet, that she might completely forget and not bring it up ever again. Instead, it only made me realise that what really happened then, was the beginning of a huge job ahead of me. Now I had been tasked to ensure she had the opportunity to completely experience a Catholic childhood and to got to know God in this environment whilst “He” will do the rest to reach into her heart - now, how sneaky was that, Holy Spirit!

So clearly, it was to be our duty, as parents, to provide her with a Catholic experience – it meant that we had to work at it for sure, as we could not deprive her of the richness in the traditions of a Catholic experience, if she was to experience any better or worse from it. We knew not all the answers, but without a doubt, we have since enriched our lives and are continuing to enrich our lives growing in faith together as a family. After all, just as, in the New Testament, Jesus reminded us all that unless we become as little children, we cannot enter the kingdom of Heaven.

In no way would I claim that my reply to my daughter was the right or best way, but it was one way that got me “hooked” on faith, and so perhaps at the very least, it must have been the Holy Spirit way!

Psst... LET'S BE HONEST!

Jesus said, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life”. If Jesus is truth, then it is clear as day that lying will separate us from God and not following in the footsteps of His son, whom He has sent will be disastrous!

As parents, we work hard at teaching our children to be honest, yes? You know, how we sometimes readily call out the phrase, “Honesty is the best policy”- encouraging our children to tell the truth and to let us know what’s on their minds.

Honesty is a virtue that can be taught to our children. Yet, it is not something they finish learning at a specific age or skill level, such as learning to walk at about one year old or learning to tie shoe laces at five or six and so forth. Teaching honesty to children begins very young and will take different forms and approaches to suit their age and level of understanding and is continually nurtured along with their level of maturity.

Just like any virtue or values, teaching honesty by example is the most effective. Young children copy or mimic their parents and therefore, a “do as I do” approach is always more successful than a “do as I say, not as I do” approach. We cannot deceive them, as children grow up they will begin to question these discrepancies.

Perhaps sometimes we are the bigger culprit of dishonesty ourselves! Maybe at that moment being honest can sometimes mean acknowledging or accepting failures and we all know how hard it is to accept our own failures. Other times it may be an attempt to protect our own child’s feelings, or to soften the blow for our child’s disappointment, we as parents keep the truth from them or even tell a white lie to others to protect them from feeling shame. But honestly, this does not help make situations any better. What lessons are we teaching our children if we do not accept failures or face realities? Are we, to begin with, guilty of demanding or imposing nothing but perfection from them, where quite often, we ourselves are unable to attain?

I recall an awkward experience with a parent whose response completely mismatched her child’s pure and honest reply to his unsuccessful placement in the school of his choice then. That incident brought embarrassment to the child and he was dumbfounded. Sadly, a quote from author, Krista Delle Femine, had its moment of reality right there, when “children lose their innocence the very moment they are forced to make excuses for their parents’ bad behavior.”

We need our children to learn that “honesty” is very important in life, as it leads to others seeing us as being “trustworthy” and friends will know that they can rely on us. There are many verses in the Bible that teaches us about honesty. To help us “grow” in honesty together with our children, in Luke 16: 10, we learn that “whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.” 

RICH WOUNDS

Last year, I attended a Catechists’ Recollection organized by the Singapore Pastoral Institute. A program facilitated by Joanna Tan of Heartspace together with the Catechetical Director, Fr Erbin Fernandez.

However, what intrigued me most when I first came across the invitation to the session was in fact the title of the session, “Wounded by Beauty”. Although it had been over a year since then, but still, I could not forget how those words made me wonder… How odd, I remembered thinking to myself… How could beauty, something so good, actually cause any infliction, causing one to be wounded?

At first I was prompted to look up the definition to the word, ‘Wound’ – to see if there was, in fact, a positive aspect to the word? I mean, take the adverb “awfully” for example - we all know, it could be used in an awfully good way or an awfully bad way, right? Well, the search came up zilch and instead, it repeatedly states as, “an injury especially one in which the skin or another external surface is torn, pierced, cut, or otherwise broken; an injury to the feelings”.

This intriguing thought reminded me of a time, when I was struggling with a response to my daughter, aged ten then, over a question about faith. I remember wishing I had been more articulate and well-expressed in my reply to her question. But perhaps thinking back, I needed it more for myself to convince myself and believe in what I was saying to her.

I suppose, in the real sense, we were not that much different from the next family, who may have the usual issues of breakdown within the family and relatives with ill-health, but for a young child, it may have been too overwhelming and so questioned the faith asking, “why people who believe in God has so many problems, yet those like my friends in school, who don’t go to church or believe in God seems to have no problems at all?” I guess it was a sensible question and I have little doubt that many faithful adults have had this cross their minds too. Why doesn’t believing in God and doing all that we are expected to do as faithful followers shield us completely from all things bad, if God is good?

I remember explaining to her then, that with God’s help, we can handle the disappointments as they come up in life, a little at a time as we begin to grow up. Simply put, I told her that it was like placing our experiences into a little bank account, to strengthen ourselves – so we can draw on it when we face tougher and bigger problems in life as we grow older. And so it was not all bad but a good thing as there is value in having experienced problems. I guess she 'kinda got it' and did not persist.

As for me, I guess it took me a whole lot longer to be convinced of what it really meant to be hurting - as it was only after coming out of the retreat, that I am convinced of what I had said to my daughter all those years ago, that indeed there is much richness in being wounded. There is true beauty in being wounded – because it is only when we have been wounded, then, and only then, will we know how good it feels to be healed!

A CRY FROM WITHIN

A recent experience has left me feeling affirmed that God knows exactly what we need at every moment of our lives. How it had been shown so clearly to me that the promise of God is in the very heartbeat of our lives. If we keep closely in touch with the spirit of God and be aware of his presence, knowing that He will take care of all areas of our lives, we are able to lead a calmer, less anxious life.

Some weeks back my daughter needed to go for a fairly major dental surgery to have six teeth out at one go and had to be administered general anaesthesia for that. To add to my concerns over GA, I was told that there were 2 teeth that were embedded and their roots were very close to the nerves which would pose some risks during the procedure. At that point of time, you could just imagine how daunting it was for me and I was paranoid with a capital ‘P’!

The night before the procedure, I was at my wits’ end, not knowing how else to pray, what else to say, as I had made every prayer petition I could think of during the weeks before - asking that God guided the hand of the surgeon, anaesthetist, and everyone else involved. I had texted a few close friends to lift us up in prayer in search for comfort in them.  When there seemed nothing else I could do, amid incessant ‘mind chatter’, I decided perhaps I should turn to reading something – the Bible, an online commentary, a book, whatever – to get my mind off it.

Now there were some spiritual books that had arrived through mail order just days ago, and I picked one up looking for some peace of mind. In “Secrets of the Vine” by Bruce Wilkinson, to my amazement, the first words that I read, though first seemed unlikely, yet brought me to the peace I was looking for. I clearly saw God’s promise in reading: “Abundance – You’ll be surprised to discover how much God wants abundance for you. And you’ll be relieved to know that you never need to misread His ways in your life again.”

How amazing that I should immediately find my peace in those words, yet, I thought I should be looking for words like ‘peace’, ‘be not afraid’, ‘find comfort’ or ‘it’s the right thing to do’.  Yet, “Abundance – … God wants abundance for you”, was all that I needed! He spoke and I understood. I felt a great burden lifted and just knew God has this promise for me, that everything would be alright and I will be blessed with life in abundance of all things from God. And all that comes from God is good. God had answered my cry, the prayer from deep within my heart have been answered. Truly amazing experience!

A day after the operation, I was looking to reflect on some materials for Catechism and chanced upon a video-blog by Terry Modica, writer & web-master of Good News Ministries’ website. She shared this quote from St. Clement of Alexandria, “Prayer is a conversation with God. Even if we whisper, even if we do not open our mouth, a cry rises within us. And God never fails to hear this inner conversation.” I simply said, “AMEN!!”

DANCE AND PRANCE!!

IN THE EYES OF A CHILD

Once again, Corrinne May puts together a beautiful repertoire of songs, each with such meaningful lyrics, in her latest album, Crooked Lines. Lyrics and tunes inspired by people and events surrounding her life, streams from her heart and so, mother to young Claire, sings, “It’s in the eyes of a child…”

Since that concert evening at our church, I have not quite forgotten that phrase from her song entitled, “Beautiful Life”.  I am sure as parents ourselves, not unlike Corrinne May, we see every hope and every reason in our children’s eyes, making sacrifices at times, to provide and see to their needs. Yet, we know that each child is different and so we are often guided by what we see in our children’s responses – their sadness, their joy, what motivates them; their questioning eyes looking for answers and finally finding comfort and security in us or in our support.

Often as parents, we have the privilege to discover and experience together with our children, if only we allow ourselves the time, to look through the eyes of our child! Discovering what those young eyes see and what impacts them when seen for the first time? Much like any other experiences, we often wonder how we can journey with our children to give them a faith experience that would etch into their lives to draw upon it in their later years.

In Gretchen Wolff Pritchard’s book entitled “Offering the Gospel to Children” (Cowley Publications, 1992), she strongly encourages to teach children our faith language — authentic symbols, images, stories, and songs — in their daily lives so that church and Christian faith are as natural a part of their life as teddy bears and tricycles and friends and grocery stores and playgrounds. And so I wondered, what about the more current digital and mobile distractions so accessible and available to our young these days? What good could possibly come out of these?

Well, incidentally, I need not wonder much longer. Just last week, a co-catechist, shared an amazing experience of her 12-year-old son, who recently discovered the iMissal^TM (Catholic App and Missal available on mobile devices) on her iPad. That Sunday evening, Nigel insisted that the whole family stayed up to play “Mass” with him as “Celebrant” while he diligently read through the entire Sunday Missal to the family, who in turn had to make their responses as “Congregation”. How precious that moment must have been for Nigel as he engulfed himself in performing the prayers and rituals of the beauty and power of the Eucharist. As for the family - perhaps because it was past ten o’clock - it may have felt like it was the longest hour they had endured. But for mom, she still managed a smile, for it was indeed the most amazing and beautiful sight before her. What any parent wouldn’t give to be there that night!

And so, in unison with Corrinne May, we couldn’t agree more, “Smile, it’s a beautiful life.” 

BLOOM WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED

Whenever I see a beautiful pot of flowers in full bloom, I am reminded that this would be something unattainable for me in my own garden. I know enough about gardening that for continual and healthy blossoming of flowering plants it would need to be fed with the right type of fertiliser, have sufficient sunlight and to be provided a consistent tender loving care (TLC) routine. Oh well, I think an annual trip to the nursery for those one-time blooms to last beyond the festivities would be the only consistent routine I can handle!

We all know that plants absorb nutrients and water from the soil to grow well and yet some ecologists will agree that plants do ‘feel’ or sense the surroundings and react to various different factors to decide when they feel good and the right time to grow or bloom!

To say the least, in the same way, humans, too, react to influences, situations and people around us. All must agree that when things are not going the way we want it to or when life dishes out obstacles in our way we do find it hard to be chirpy and cheery about life. But whatever circumstances we may be in at different stages of our lives, we must know and remember that God has always wanted to give abundant blessings to us - “The earth has yielded its increase; God, our God, has blessed us” (Psalm 67:6).

So where can we find our blessings in times like these? Not in material things, but in our spouse, our children, our parents and people whom we cross paths with. We all have had our fair share of disappointments in life - from a less than desirable childhood, through hurtful relationships and eventually the pressures of our adulthood. Times when we wished we could be in a different place or sometimes more drastically, in a different family – but we must remember that we have been “planted” exactly where God wants us to be, using our experiences to share and help each other “bloom”!

One parent recently shared in our Lenten Reflection that it is through difficult and hard times - times of loss and pain - that she finds peace and comfort in her faith. It is in times like this that she feels God more closely in her life. This sense of peace in turn reflected to her children, who then grew interested in what it was that upheld her.

We will always be blessed wherever we may find ourselves “planted”. We may have wondered, “Can life ever be a bed of roses?” Well, maybe if we all strive to draw from our surroundings, finding the good in each person or each situation and never letting the bad overcome the good, perhaps then life could become one big and beautiful bed of roses stretching across miles. Let us flourish in our lives and our mission, as parents, to become fine examples of our God’s untiring and consistent TLC.  

"ARE WE THERE YET?"

As parents we cannot help but worry. We probably spend an awful lot of time in our lives worrying. At home, we worry about getting our children to the “right” schools then about if they can cope and their grades in school. We worry about bills to pay and rising costs of necessities and then about keeping our jobs to pay those bills and the list does not stop there. Over the span of our lifetime, we may find that worrying accounts for hours and hours of invaluable time that we’ll never get back.

When you think about it over the years, in spite of all the worrying, we seem to fair pretty well and all our bills eventually get paid. So, why do we worry so much? Should we not spend our time more wisely and more enjoyably with the family?

painting by Jan (age 9)

If you're not convinced yet to give up your worrying, perhaps one of the great biblical reasons to tell us not to worry could be found here in Matthew 6:25-26: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” What an awesome assurance from God!

I don't know about you, but I seem to get busier each year. So worrying is really a waste of very precious time, won’t you agree? Worrying won't help you solve a problem or bring about a solution, so why waste your time and energy on it?

Well, with so little time, I admit that I am not a big fan of going to the movies. It just feels like I am “trapped” in a seat, in front of a big screen, not able to do anything else for nearly 120 minutes of my life! I find it unproductive, but that’s just me. Occasionally though, I would make time to join the family in a movie, especially when it comes highly “recommended” by my young daughter. Understandably then, it usually would be a children’s cartoon or animated movie.

So here’s a scene from a movie I want to share, that was somewhat an awakening for me. In the movie, The Incredibles - a cartoon about a superhero dad going through mid-life crisis (I often wonder, why does it feel like children’s movies are created not for children, but for parents?). The superhuman family travels to the scene of the film's climax and one of the children asks, "Are we there yet?" repeatedly. To that, each time the father would reply, “No!” But after several times being asked, the irate father yelled out, “We’ll get there when we get there!” On that cue, the punch line received much laughter.

Amid the laughter, I took in a poignant moment, thinking that we should not be too bothered about “getting there” but instead be glad that the family is still on a journey. Whilst we stay on this journey, we should just be glad for the time we have together - to live, learn, renew and love but not to worry. Indeed, we should not be too eager to hear that we have “arrived”, because then we would have ran out of time!

A QUESTION OF FAITH

          The birth of a baby is always an exciting experience for the whole family yet one that can bring much stress and anxiety especially for new parents. The responsibility of guiding and caring for a dependent small life can be quite daunting. When you stop and really think about it - it is no wonder that parents assume the role as primary educators of faith for their children - at the Rite of Baptism, a tiny little baby first experiences God in the arms of his or her parents!

         

       As I recall twenty-one years ago, my spouse and I stood before God, while the priest posed three big questions to us preceding our marriage vows. The two questions on ‘giving of each other in marriage’ and ‘honouring each other’ were the easy ones – after all, we have known each other for some time and knew exactly what we were getting into. Then was the question about ‘accepting children lovingly from God and to bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church’ – Honestly, how could we be sure of the unknown? Nonetheless, in good faith, we responded, ‘we will’. We both agreed to bring children up according to the Catholic Church, but did we really know ‘how’?

We have, since, come to appreciate that as parents we are gifted with a privileged role of cultivating faith in our children. We are comforted in knowing however, that we are never alone in this task. We realise that for our children to have faith, we ourselves as parents must first have faith. After all, it is in our home and through us that our young children will first experience the sacred presence of God. Whether this experience is one that is personal and intimate or impersonal and indifferent, it would be reflected in the way we ourselves embrace our faith. To have Christ dwelling within us, to constantly share His Word in Scripture and to join with our church family in the Breaking of Bread are all essential in living our faith. Children watch and imitate their parents, from learning how to love, to listen and respond, to forgive, to pray, to reach out and to serve. Perhaps the saying, “faith is caught, not taught,” holds much truth.

Indeed the Catholic Church also has many mechanisms in place to help us. One of which can be found in the teachings of the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC), particularly in paragraphs 2221 – 2230, sub-headed “the duties of parents”. However, contrary to finding a list of do’s and don’ts, I found much encouragement and am reminded of our ever-loving and forgiving God, gently drawing out the great love that He has planted deep inside a parent’s heart.

It can be reassuring to know then, as parents, that bringing children up in faith is not so much a question of ‘how’ but rather by living the faith at home and trusting that with God’s grace we can find holiness in our everyday family lives. 

A GIFT FROM ABOVE

At the start of the October school examinations last year, a very good friend and mother shared an article with me, saying “It was a timely and inspiring piece”. 

So this month as we celebrate Mothers’ Day amidst the unavoidable exam anxieties, perhaps it may bring us, as it did her, a sense of perspective and sanity, to our otherwise motherhood mayhem.

The article, entitled “I Don’t Want to Raise Successful Children”, may not immediately strike you as something to share with others, but I would strongly encourage you to take the time to read it. The premise of Lysa TerKeurst’s article⁽¹⁾ is, My job isn’t to push success for my kids. My job as a parent is to recognise the unique way God created each child and point them to Jesus at every turn along their journey toward adulthood. Yes, I want my kids to learn and thrive and grow up educated, but it’s not a flaw in me or them if they don’t have straight A report cards and trophy cases full of sports medals.

In her search to make sense of her role as a Mother, TerKeurst’s thoughts stemmed from a particular scripture verse: “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” (Proverbs 22:6). This struck a familiar note for me - something I had quite forgotten from 13 years ago - back to the time when I was blessed with a gift from above, my daughter.

From birth till she was nearly five, “Train Up This Child” and a series of other comforting and inspiring songs would play from this old cassette tape by Kelly Willard called “Bless My Little Girl”⁽²⁾. It played every time I prepared her for nap or at bedtime. But really these became more my prayers than it was songs for her to fall gently to sleep. Willard sang beautifully these tender lyrics: 

Give us Your wisdom and teach us the things that we need to know.

To train up this child in the way that she should go.

Lord you have placed a precious life in our hands.

Now give us the grace that she may be raised according to Your plan.

I have always felt that our children have been hand-picked for us according to God’s plan. They are only temporarily ours, a loan of love and we are to keep them on the path toward His plan and purposes. As they come from God, so they are gifted as God intended. Each child is specially made to be part of the larger plan of God that we cannot yet see. 

⁽¹⁾ http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/i-dont-want-to-raise-successful-children/

⁽²⁾ Music CD from Integrity Music, Inc. (matching baby boy version also available)

Mary Cindy's Baptism